Archive for November 2009

Another Introspective Griping

November 15, 2009

This is a spur of the moment type of rambling, but I think it’s long overdue. It’s time I was honest to myself about my goals and what I want from my education.

My parents are very smart people. They claim not to be so, but to me, they’re some of the smartest people I actually know. Both came as teenagers, not knowing the language here. They now speak with minimal accents. People are actually surprised when I tell them they’re not born here. One’s got their bachelor’s degree from Cal Berkeley, the other from UCLA. One ended up earning a few post-grad degrees the other has a Pharm.D. from USC. They are a hard act to follow, by anybody’s standards. I think that’s what made me want to go into Biology. That was the one profession that I knew you had to be smart to excel at. Being the child of those two people, believe it or not, is a little stressful. Early in life, there was a pressure to make sure that I was at least perceived smart, and it perseveres to this day, even though everyone I know now deems it untrue. Doctors are naturally smart people, at least that’s the stigma we give them, positive or otherwise. So in order to impress my parents and other people, I think I subconsciously decided on Biology way before I even got into high school.

I think the other part is my inherent enjoyment of griping and complaining. I enjoy it, I’m not going to lie. Sometimes, I enjoy it too much, to the point where it may be considered masochism. Like take my current situation. I hate and have no drive to excel in Biology at all. But I’m here, only to complain to others studying the same thing about how bad it is, how hard it is, how completely useless it is. And it makes me happy to do this. It’s sick and stupid, but I like complaining about that kind of thing.

The last part of the equation is probably the peer pressure aspect, though not really peer pressure. Most of the people I live with are Bio majors. Four out of six of us, actually. But that’s not even the actual bit; that’s all peripheral. Most of the pressure I put on myself comes from people I’ve never met. People that don’t know I exist. And most of them do what I envy: art. I’ve written earlier about how at my first birthday, I chose a paint brush; I was “supposed” to be an artist. But I’ve cornered myself into this Science major, that I can’t really go beyond it. I look at people on DeviantArt, the professionals, the hobbyists, the students. Take ravenskar, a person studying commerce and law, but hating it. She plans on studying art later on. Finni is a Human Biology major, but still makes amazing pieces digitally. Then there’s rufftoon and all the other Avatar people I follow, as well as the many art school students. They do what they love doing best. And each of these people have their own effect. Rufftoon and similar people inspire me to go ahead and be that artist that I wanted to be. But then I see people like finni, producing great work even though she’s working towards a similar degree as me, and I then want to stay in Biology for whatever reason. And then I see ravenskar, probably the middle ground, and I think of finishing out my degree in Biology, but having the conviction to study art.

I don’t know what I want because I don’t know what’s best for me. And not knowing what’s best for me is making me waste time. And honestly, I’m not talented enough to go and actually do art. So I guess you can say I’m at a crossroads with a few options. One is to keep going in Biology even though I don’t like it at all. Two is to go into what I think I love doing or something similar which right now, is Computer Science and Art. Three is something else.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.